Who am I?

December 7, 2009 at 12:54 am 6 comments

14 Weeks 6 days

Recently I’ve noticed this trend among new moms, those I know in real live person, and those I know through this virtual world.

They seem a little lost.

Lost in the big, who am I, where did that woman go, kinda way.

Don’t take that as ingratitude.

It’s not. These are women who are very grateful that they are blessed with children.

But somewhere around diaper 100, I think, it’s possible that women maybe question themselves, where they have been and where they are going. Sorta a holy fuck I’m 30 something and where  did all my dreams go – how did I end up a glorified secretary kinda way. But, perhaps I am just projecting.

You see, I often question myself, in the big meaning of life kinda way.

It’s sorta annoying really. But, who am I and how did I get here?

Don’t get me wrong, there are so many many things about my life that  I love.

My husband, Mr.duck:

Our quaint little house:

Our Fabulous dog:

And of course it goes without saying that I am eternally grateful to M, who has the endearing nickname The Bun Baker:

And of course, last but not least, the peanuts, for which I could not find a clever cartoon.

All that said, every day I leave home, I commute for an hour into my job as a glorified secretary (well really I sorta envy the secretaries). I too sit in a cubicle, I too arrange meetings, find people, nag other secretaries for times with their bosses in everyone’s oh so important, oh so busy schedule but I don’t arrive at 8 and leave at 3:30 and take an hour for lunch and my mandatory 2 15 minute breaks like all the other secretaries.

Why? I am not a secretary, I am a woman who labours under another title, does all the crap of a secretary and does not get the wee perks (like ye know not getting canned for being ill).

Why do I whine so? It’s just, well, it’s just, it’s not what I wanted.

I didn’t do a decade of University, and take on 40K in debt to wipe up someone elses shit. I just didn’t.

I thought, that at least career wise there would be more.

But, I am 30 something and I have no career.

So, I see why women, who have children, who are not working, can really question where the rest of their life, their career part that so very often can define us, is going – as  I too am spending many an hour questioning where my professional life is going.

I’ve come up with a few answers, just not ready to reveal them, yet.

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6 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Sarah  |  December 7, 2009 at 8:53 am

    For me personally, I wouldn’t really say that I feel lost. I know exactly where my priorities are – 1 million percent with Miss B. But I do feel that who I am is suppressed as my wants are only met for a few minutes at the end of the day. But the thing with something being supressed is it always comes back in time. When I look to the future, I know that there is going to be time again to live out my dreams. But when I look at what my biggest dream was, it was to be a Mom and have a family. Everything else is on the to-do list. :O)

    Very interested in your future answers on your career.

    Reply
    • 2. thecanadianduck  |  December 7, 2009 at 10:18 am

      Thanks Sarah – I think this is actually a much better way to put it… my getting lost is much more another impact of infertility…

      Reply
  • 3. Jamie  |  December 7, 2009 at 4:39 pm

    It is a little bit of a lost feeling. I wanted a baby so bad for so long so I AM grateful for everything. I had thought a lot about the changes our family was going to go through but there was a moment when I was actually doing it I thought, “What has happened to me?” I knew I was going to be a Mom but it has taken a little while to get to know myself as a Mom. Does that make sense?!?!

    You need a career that will recognize your family as a priority. Tell the doctors to suck it!!

    Reply
  • 4. My Reality  |  December 7, 2009 at 6:51 pm

    I feel like I am stuck in a rut – I have worked a job I hate to pay for fertilty treatment. Now, I am sitting here on mat leave wondering what I will do at the end of it. Do I follow my dreams or do I go for the pay cheque? I don’t know.

    I feel like a failure in so many ways – I don’t have the career or the children I had hoped to have at this point in life. It was all supposed to be different. I wonder if this baby’s arrival will lessen the feelings of failure as time passes?

    Reply
  • 5. Karma  |  December 9, 2009 at 10:26 am

    I agree with what everyone else has said – it wasn’t so much a “lost” feeling, but more trying to get used to a new “normal”, and trying to sort out what it meant to carry the title of “mom.” I can say, that after nearly 18 months, I’m finally getting it sorted : ) I have left a job I no longer felt satisfied with, and am embarking out on my own on a career I’m loving so far – and all of this is good for miss A, and for me, and for our family. It wasn’t easy to make the leap, and there are growing pains for sure, but after years of feeling like I couldn’t do anything different because there was too much on the go, now it’s time to take risks again.

    Reply
  • 6. Kim  |  December 9, 2009 at 6:36 pm

    I had a career, a well paid career and I gave that all up for my new career – MUM!

    It just took me four years (and the thought of having to go back to work and put my child into childcare) to figure it out.

    Full Time MUM – I like it!!!

    Reply

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