Telling.

December 29, 2009 at 12:03 pm 8 comments

18 weeks 1 day

There has been much discussion and contemplations of when to tell who.

I am fine with my in-laws knowing the we are expecting.

I am fine with telling my sister and Mr. Duck’s brother that we are expecting.

I am fine with telling my father.

But, my mother, well, I sorta wish I could just leave her out of it.

She will buy crap (literally crap from the dollar store and send it to my house and I will have to truck it all to goodwill).

This is the story of Christmas, no matter how much I beg, plead, demand, yell, scream, she ALWAYS sends me shit for Christmas (5 different types of chocolate – when I specifically asked for NONE, a cross – when she asked me if I wanted a cross I told her it would be thrown in the garbage – so she sends me a cross, yoyos, spin-tops, board games I liked 20 years ago).

I despise with all my being having crap in my house.

I despise receiving crap that will go into a landfill and it is beyond me how I can get this woman to stop giving me shit.

I have done everything humanly possible.

I told her that it ruins Christmas for me, yet  she still gives me this SHIT.

So, in light of that (and her recent inability to keep my surgery secret from the entire Fucking world) I do not want to tell her that I am expecting until the babies are born. Then, and only then, can she know that they exist.

And honestly, I don’t even know if I want her to know then.

(plus I am afraid that she will show up in Toronto – I want to be ALONE with my husband and my children for at least 6 weeks after they are born).

Anyone have any suggestions for how to get your mother to respect your wishes? Because clearly she has no desire to respect my wishes in any other aspect of my life, why would I think that she would respect this part of my life?

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Entry filed under: Second Trimester. Tags: , , .

First Christmas Restless

8 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Emily  |  December 29, 2009 at 1:49 pm

    Ok – two things here but… I know you are an immensely private & independent person and I am super independent too but the BIGGEST thing motherhood has taught me is that if you don’t ask for help you will drown – and I only have one. That said you get so tired and exhausted that needing to ask for help is the least of your worries!

    So I would say this – start getting your head around the idea that you might need help because you WILL need it (although it doesn’t have to come from your mum 🙂

    As far as your mum goes – I think you are in a great position to have a heart to heart with her and lay it on the line – you are taking a chance and telling her about the babies but you want to be very, very clear that you do not want her to buy bits and pieces for them (is there one thing you can “assign” her to buy that you don’t overly care about?) You can say that if she ignores your request you will be less open to including her in things in the future.

    Know that she (and loads of other people once they hear about the twins) WILL buy you stuff – people love buying things for babies and we had something like over 20 stuffed animals given to us in the early weeks – but we just say “thanks” and either pass on or give to childrens’ charities the items we don’t want or can’t use!

    Reply
  • 2. JellyBelly  |  December 29, 2009 at 2:01 pm

    Oh Duck.

    As we’ve talked about before, my mother is also just as crazy (although she doesn’t give me junk, she just cooks me way too much food that I don’t really like). I only tell her things on a need to know basis. The only reason why she knew about my surgery was that I couldn’t figure out a way to not tell her (August is a very busy month in my family and I wouldn’t have been able to explain my absences from the parties any other way). I didn’t tell her to not tell our entire family, but in some ways I’m glad that I didn’t have to explain to everyone what was going on.

    If she can’t be respectful to you then don’t tell her until after the babies arrive. It sounds crazy, but it doesn’t sound like she deserves to know!

    Sending you big, big hugs!

    Btw, if you get crap that you don’t need I know of a couple of charities in the area that can take the stuff. I can even pick it up and get rid of it for you. 😉

    Reply
  • 3. Sarah  |  December 29, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    HI Duck: I have to agree with Emily that having help is sometimes desperatley needed. For example today, I had to have my brother and then my Mom come over to help me cope as I am sick and couldn’t pull it off on my own. In Brielle’s early weeks, I did manage but I was effing exhasted. You just can never prepare for chronic lack of sleep and there may be a time where you look at helpers with the utmost grattitude. I know that I did.

    Try to look at your Mom’s positive traits. I know that she has them. We ALL have quirks and idiosyncrasies that are annoying to others. Nobody is perfect nor should you expect them to be. You are expecting a daughter – imagine how hurtful it would feel if she never told you she was expecting until the baby arrived. It would hurt like hell. Becoming a grandmother is one of the proudest moments in a Mothers life. Share that with her. There is nothing like seeing your Mom glow with love and pride. And she is going to be DAMN proud of you for overcoming all of your obstacles.

    Accept imperfection and rise above.

    Reply
  • 4. g  |  December 29, 2009 at 9:17 pm

    Chiming on on the ‘I hate being given JUNK’ theme.

    I actually throw stuff out, I am bad. After christmas each year (I have tried the ‘gift card is thoughtful’, ‘I don’t need anything’, ‘really, it’s OK not to get something’ ad nauseum) I throw all the 2 and 5 dollar knick-knacks out.

    We live in such a throwaway society and there is enough junk inthe world as it is. I have it falling out of my cupboards when I open them!

    g

    Reply
  • 5. Denise  |  December 29, 2009 at 10:46 pm

    Oh boy, what a pickle. I don’t think I have any helpful advice, but I do agree with the comments about needing help. Whether your mother is part of that or not, accept help where you can get it, especially with twins.

    Reply
  • 6. Jamie  |  December 29, 2009 at 11:30 pm

    I hate crap, as well. Sometimes it’s not just the thought.

    I know giving her another chance is impossible as it sounds like she has completely ignored your previous ‘chances’ and requests.

    I hope you have a good relationship with your sister, father and in-laws. Not just for the helping hand, but to call someone up when you need to air out your head. I am a very private person as well and didn’t want anyone to stay with us when we brought the kiddo home, but it was nice to be able to call up my Mom and when I felt like the walls were closing in on me.

    Reply
  • 7. Karma  |  December 29, 2009 at 11:41 pm

    I too hate crap, but my strategy is to accept it with a smile and a “this is great, thanks so much” because ultimately the person giving it had nothing but good intentions. They clearly don’t think it’s crap – they’re simply thinking how nice it would be to give it to you (IMO) Besides, you can’t change people…so why try? Easier to accept as is, with all the imperfections that come with that sometimes.
    As for the help thing, you will need it. You can ‘t even imagine how much you’ll need it until the little person(s) is there, in your arms, needing EVERYTHING from you. But it’s a good idea to set up some help ahead of time, to be sure you have people around you who won’t make you go crazy, while you go crazy : )

    Reply
  • 8. Amanda  |  January 3, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    Hmmm, I too share much the same feelings about my mother as you do but for very different reasons.

    It seems that your mother just wants to help. It’s not the way you want it, it’s not the way you ask for it, but its the way SHE knows how. To be bought junk, or cooked too much food, or send you something you never really wanted is a action of care…she just cares for you and well, I dont’ really think it’s all that bad a thing.

    I went an spent a lot of time one year at Christmas looking for sweet little gifts for a family I thought I was close with. For their children. I did it because I loved them and wanted them to know they were in my thoughts. You know what the response was? “Thanks for the presents, next time just donate to a charity on our behalf”. To you that might be an okay response, to me that hurt me to the core. I already donated to a charity, I wanted to send THEM something..ya know? I just don’t think they needed to say anything at all, donate it if you will, just don’t tell me.

    Sorry, back to your mom. If you had a mom who called you names, judged your every move, talked behind your back like some moms I know, I can see you feeling the way you do but I don’t really get why your so upset? What is it beneath the surface that bothers you?

    I don’t know the inner workings of your relationship nor do I pretend to know and maybe I should mind my own business, but it just seems so sad you don’t want to include her in such a joyous moment of your life. This is a big deal, not just to you, but also to your mom, who raised you dreaming of this day.

    Reply

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