What kind of a mother are you?

January 22, 2010 at 1:34 pm 12 comments

21 weeks 4 days

I read all the time about how women are expecting and they have babies and their relationship with their mother changes. It usually grows closer and the women grows more understanding, etc.

I don’t feel any of that.

To be honest, I feel quite the opposite.

As the days role on and I think more and more about becoming a mother to a real live baby, I think more and more about the kind of mother I had.

And  I must say, I don’t want to be anything like her.

I don’t ever want my children to feel that they keep my alive, that they are responsible for my happiness. What the hell – the only person responsible for my happiness is ME.

For me, I think about my little girl and I can not understand what could possible possess my mother to SAY or DO the things she does?

She thinks that manipulation is an art form and being neurotic is an acceptable pass time. And it just pisses me off.

Sure, we all can, and I have, made excuses for her. One’s that involve, she did the best she could, she had bad role models.


How can I see that it was wrong if she was my role model?

So, instead of being filled with the warm fuzzies for my mother I seem to be filled with a wonderment, a feeling of what kind of women would do that? How is THAT love?


Entry filed under: Second Trimester. Tags: , .

2010 Goals Preparations continue and a thank you.

12 Comments Add your own

  • 1. susy  |  January 22, 2010 at 1:51 pm

    You know.. I had something similar happen to me. My mom bent over backwards for me and my sister, yet there are some things that she did that just don’t make full sense to me. She’s VERY dependent on us for a lot! And while I want to help her, sometimes I feel like telling her, that we’ve grown up and have families of our own and that needs time and space too! There’s things I did as a teen that now I understand why she’d be upset, but aside that, I hope that I don’t become as co-dependant on the kids as she is w/ us. Sometimes it’s a big heavy load that maybe could be lighter. Thinking of you much, Duck!!

  • 2. uncomplicateme  |  January 22, 2010 at 2:32 pm

    I can only speak for myself and for the limited view I have of my friends as mothers… but it seems like many of us take a little of our moms, a little of the other maternal figures in our lives, and add that to a giant portion of the women we already are to get the mother that we will be. I love my mom, she’s an amazing strong woman. She loves us and loves her grandsons…. but I can name lots and lots of things she does that I never want to subject my son to – big and small, important and unimportant. I honestly can’t pinpoint yet what kind of mother I am. Being a mom to a 10-month-old simply requires love and patience. We’ll have to see where I fall on the spectrum as he gets older and I have to do not-so-fun things like discipline. At the end of the day we all just do the best we can I guess. And hope our children love us despite our shortcomings. You, my dear, will be a perfect mother, you have loved those babies into creation (with the help of your mister ;o) and they are so very lucky to have you!

  • 3. My Reality  |  January 22, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    My mom has made an effort to be more maternal during my pregnancy and the last 4 weeks with K. But, in a lot of ways, it is too late. It is all about her being a grandmother, though. Not about me being a mother.

  • 4. Sunny  |  January 22, 2010 at 3:20 pm

    I am lucky to have a warm, supportive, kind mother. She was wonderful when my brother and I were growing up. Even with that being said, though, there are definitely things that I am doing differently than she did — some very deliberately, some just because I have a different personality than she does. (Hopefully still warm, supportive, and kind, though.) 🙂

    My mom did not grow up in a household that was encouraging and accepting. She made the conscious effort to be different, and she was. Although she was still close with my grandma as an adult (and I never knew any of this background until I was an adult myself), the household I grew up in was in many ways the complete opposite of the one my mom came from. For several of my friends, it’s the same way.

    You are not alone, and you can create those things for your daughter that you wish you’d had.

  • 5. MEG.  |  January 22, 2010 at 7:28 pm

    I, for one, think it’s awesome that you have the power to stop this cycle in its tracks (i.e. the manipulation and neuroses cycle). You paid the ultimate price while growing up, so your children wouldn’t have to. See how selfless you already are? You’re a great mother! =)

    Seriously though, I’m really sorry that your mom has caused so much drama in your life. No one’s perfect, and sometimes our parents are the best at teaching by example.

  • 6. Natasha Marchand  |  January 22, 2010 at 8:29 pm

    I posted this comment on my blog, but I wanted to be sure you got it, incase my last post offended you in anyway, I surly hope it did not…..I was just ranting…..here it is?

    I agree with you expectant duck!!! I am SO happy we have OB’s and R.E’s and all the great people that help us out when there are special circumstances! I just have a hard time hearing statements that belittle woman with no medical evidence. I am also very thankful your GS has an OB that will help bring your babies safely into the world, and SO SO grateful that science has gotten so far that a GS can exist and are able to give such an amazing priceless gift!!!

  • 7. Sarah @ whentwobecomesthree  |  January 22, 2010 at 8:59 pm

    Sending you hugs Duck. Hopefully nothing major happened to compound the feelings that you are having. I think that what you are going through is totally natural. B went through it too when Brielle was born. His Mom left him and his Dad when he was 12 and it made him so mad when he realized how intensely he loved his daughter. It didn’t make sense to him that she would just up and leave him behind. They are still healing the relationship.
    He had to do a lot of forgiving but also accepting too.

    I don’t think that our parents had the information that we do on how to raise kids. We are def an enlightened generation.

    You are changing a lot right now. You are in an extremely emotional situation and feelings and thoughts are going to be heightened and compounded. Hang in ok?

  • 8. Melissa Turtle  |  January 22, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    Glad to have caught up with your blog. I certainly like to check up on you! I read a piece of advice one time about keeping perspective with our children. It was something like “We are a part of our children’s lives forever, but they simply walk through ours”. I think the person giving the advice was trying to tell a mother not to build her life around her children and to continue to develop her own life so that when they leave, she won’t feel empty or continue to be dependent on them for “life”.

    It’s always healthy to keep re-examining your life and your parenting skills. Do it now while you have time to reflect 😉 Pretty soon all you’ll see are diapers, onesies, burp clothes, and crying faces. Ahhh, I am so jealous! 😉

    Have a great weekend.

    P.S. I like the Elephant Theme and the one where there’s a tree mural on the wall behind the crib. Very serene.

  • 9. Jamie  |  January 23, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    I am so sorry you have this relationship with your mother. My mother and I get along fine, but it can still be uber-complex sometimes.

    I think being aware of what you ~don’t~ want to be as a mother is the first step. I also think you must have many other strong maternal figures in your life for you to recognize what kind of relationship is therapeutic for a child. I agree with Meg – you have the power to stop the cycle!

  • 10. Amanda  |  January 23, 2010 at 9:43 pm

    I think you will be a wonderful mother, with a great mix of you and who you are, your history, the positive qualities of your mother and father and even your grandparents and extended family. That’s the best we can hope for, is learn the positive qualities and take from that what we can and mother the best way we know how using those qualities.

    We all make mistakes though, there is no handbook to parenting, and well, we learn from our mothers, the good and the bad. My mother was no charm either, I will not get into it, but my childhood was not good at all, and as I grow I learn more and more about how not good it is. I can go on forever resenting her for all the things she did wrong, (and sometimes I still have that, sometimes I still deal with anger) but for the most part I choose to move on and say I will do my best not to be that kind of person to my children.

    It’s so hard, being a parent is the hardest thing you ever encounter and in my opinion, babies are easy in compared to the lifetime commitment of being a mom. That’s a lifetime of making mistakes and working to be better. If anything, just be open to change, be flexible and #1, willing to apologize to your children when your wrong or have done wrong.

    Your children will too grow up and say the same things we all do before we become mothers “I will never do that” because noone is perfect. Sometime you will see your mother come out and you and find you saying the same things she did, sometimes you will be so much better than she was in some ways, but not in others. There is no perfect parent…only one who does her best the only way she knows how.

    I like to think that’s my mother. She wronged me and continues to wrong me in sooo many ways, but I do believe she loves me, and tries. She will not admit when she is wrong, she is very defensive and unwilling to see a different perspective, but she is my mom, and for all the bad qualities she has, she has some good ones too.

    I do hope that you will mend fences one day……….

  • 11. Emily  |  January 24, 2010 at 12:40 am

    I just wanted to weigh in on this too but Amanda has written such a beautiful wise comment (although that won’t stop me – LOL!)

    I have a very complicated relationship with my mother as well – she has done things I could never, ever imagine doing with Little Miss. When I was pregnant I thought a lot about how I want to be different – probably in the same way my mum did about her upbringing (I do believe it gets better with each generation).

    What I was surprised by after Little Miss was born is how strong and immense the love is. Although it does not in any way excuse the behaviour it is amazing to know that someone felt that way about you in the beginning. And already, 5 months in, I know I’ve made mistakes – obviously they’re not dealbreakers but that doesn’t mean that I won’t screw up in the future and I can only hope that Little Miss won’t want to be too different than me.

    The best thing about this journey is that it will change and effect you in ways you never expected – I look forward to watching you deal with all the surprising and touching things coming your way.

  • 12. FET Accompli  |  January 24, 2010 at 12:00 pm

    Neurosis is just so draining. I am sorry that there was so much of this growing up. I know it’s hard because you are thinking of what type of mother you want to be, and you did not have the best role model growing up. I do know, however, that you are going to be a wonderful mother, and that Mr. Duck will be a wonderful father. You are going to give your children a loving and caring home, with minimal neurosis. You also have a caring MIL who might also serve as someone whose good qualities you can emulate – after all, she produced your dashing husband!


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