New Feelings.

February 23, 2010 at 10:52 am 14 comments

26 weeks 1 day

I had my very first conversation with my in-laws since they got our fabulous news. We chatted via skype so that our phone line was free in case M called.

The in-laws are so very incredibly absolutely excited. They want to tell the universe and we have given them permission to tell their respective families that we are expecting twins.

 Apparently Mr. Duck’s Grandmother asked if twins “ran in my family” (I do have 2 cousins who are twins). My MIL not missing a beat said that my Grandmother was a twin. A total out and out lie (this is why I love her – she gets that people are curious and you just give them what they want – no need to explain the complexity of an embryo transfer to a 90 year old woman).

 But then, my MIL asked me a question.

“So how are the twins?”.

 And for some reason I felt like crying and screaming all that same time.

 My response “I don’t know they are –  how would I know how they are?”

All of a sudden I felt a pain that indeed I have not yet felt.

 It’s not like I can reach down and feel them kick and know that everything is alright.

I was in Cuba for a week, isolated away from phones, internet, with no contact at all with M, so when our in-laws asked “how are the twins”. I had absolutely nothing at all that I could say and it sorta hit me hard.

Like a giant rock between the eyes.

I have no idea how the babies are, and that is the nature of surrogacy.

Today, I must admit, I am really getting anxious for the weeks to pass and for the babies to be out into the world, where I can simply look down at them and know exactly how they are.

Is this normal? Do other intended mothers feel like this? 

(note – this does not mean that I want them to arrive early – we’re still aiming for 36 weeks which is only 10 weeks away – but I am getting anxious to be able to see them face to face).


Entry filed under: Second Trimester. Tags: .

Monkey and Giraffe’s Big Vacation Adventure A post in points.

14 Comments Add your own

  • 1. wannabemom  |  February 23, 2010 at 11:01 am

    Um yeah – I feel exactly the same way. I just tell people who ask about the cubs that they are wonderful – because they are until they aren’t – you KWIM?

  • 2. Karma  |  February 23, 2010 at 11:42 am

    Yup, totally 100% normal. I was able to chat with my sis multiple times a day, and still had that feeling of longing. I would sometimes wake up in the middle of the night and wonder…was she ok? What was she doing? Hang in there – those last few weeks will absolutely fly!

  • 3. Sunny  |  February 23, 2010 at 1:29 pm

    I’m sorry you are feeling this disconnect with the pregnancy. It sounds completely normal to me, but of course I have never been in your shoes. It’s good that you can remind yourself that this is temporary!

    If it makes you feel better, I never know what to say when people ask me that question anyway. I don’t know how my babies are, I can’t see through my belly. I worry about the effects my PTL drugs are having on them, we’ll see when they are born. I don’t know how my cervix is, it just keeps getting shorter without me feeling anything. I could go into labor any second without warning. Oh, to be a blissfully ignorant fertile person! 🙂

  • 4. uncomplicateme  |  February 23, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    I’m coming at this from my own perspective, so take it with a grain of salt, but I kind of hated the “how is the baby? how is B? what is he doing now?” questions when I was still pregnant. Because even though I was able to poke and prod him, I had no idea what or how he was. I mean you get toward the end and you hear horrific stories and I just prayed and prayed that wouldn’t be us. Yes I did have the blessing of feeling movement, but really I had no idea *how* he was in there. So that was scary in its own right.

    I’m sure all these well-meaning people just don’t think about what they’re saying to a new mom – be it an intended new mom or a mom gestating her baby. It’s frustrating, but there will be many more frustrations on the way, especially any time inlaws are involved.

  • 5. Niki  |  February 23, 2010 at 2:17 pm

    Oh Sweetie, I had a rare few moments like that too where I felt a bit disconnected. I think it’s completely normal, particularly because you were away out of contact with M for a week. Can you tell M that you are feeling this way? She might be able to do more to make you feel connected a bit more?! I know that M is already doing a great job, but maybe if she knew how you were feeling she could do a bit more. K would text me often throughout the day telling me about the little kicks and movements. This made me feel more involved. Even though I couldn’t feel the kicks I felt like I “knew” just how they were doing. You are doing a great job as an IM and from my experience are feeling exactly what I felt on a few occassions. Keep up the great work! ((HUGS))

    Okay, I must say I LOVE your MIL (I’m completely jealous!). She rocks … good for her for throwing that little white lie out there to make things easier.

  • 6. Sarah @ whentwobecomesthree  |  February 23, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    It’s a super tough road being an IM. From like week 24 to 30, I had a real bout of grief for not being able to carry my sweet babe. I really missed those moments with her and wished for her updates and status first hand. Looks like what you are feeling is right on time. This is where your faith has to kick in.

    I just read an update on M’s blog that your babes are doing so well. Congrats Mama! It won’t be long now.

  • 7. Lisa  |  February 23, 2010 at 3:31 pm

    Thinking about you. Can only imagine how hard it was to be off the grid for a week. Then you come, to your babies, but there still not physically with you yet. You are one tough cookie. I would have been trying to send smoke signals….Hang in there love.

  • 8. Marilyn @ A Lot of Loves  |  February 23, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    I’ve never had to go through surrogacy but I can say that as someone who was pregnant I was constantly worried about if they were okay. Even though they were with me, I didn’t know they were really alright until they were born. It was a stressful time for me and I can imagine how you feel. From the moment I knew I was pregnant I was constantly counting down the days until they were born and I could see them with my own eyes.

  • 9. thisinfertilelife  |  February 23, 2010 at 10:55 pm

    Like some others have said, I think you feel this to some extent even when a baby is in your own body. And I’m not sure if others do this, but I always found myself obsessing over every little pain or twinge in my body. I always worried that it meant something was wrong with the babies. Like bags of water were about to rupture, or labor was starting early or something equally terrifying early in a pregnancy.

    It must be so difficult in your situation to not have at least some reassurance. I hope this time goes by as quickly as possible for you and that those babies stay in until 36 weeks.

  • 10. FET Accompli  |  February 24, 2010 at 1:30 am

    Yes – I felt the same way. Hubbie and I just kept repeating how we would feel comfortable when they were finally in our arms (when the time was right) – it was like a mantra.

  • 11. Sarah  |  February 24, 2010 at 7:48 am

    Yes, that is exactly what it feels like. I never knew what to say when people would ask me how the babies were doing. “Um…. OK, I guess?” The not knowing was the worst part. Hang in there! 36 weeks will be here before you know it.

  • 12. MEG.  |  February 24, 2010 at 9:36 pm

    OH how I feel you (and I’m not even “there” yet!)!

    This whole process requires so much blind faith. I think you’ve been doing a great job — you’re so brave. And M is an extraordinary surro.

    Kudos to your MIL for having your back!

    Thanks for your latest comment on my blog. To answer your question: I feel the odds of success aren’t in my favor, due to my elevated FSH and the fact that my RE isn’t certain whether of not my right ovary even exists. I guess we’ll see what we’re working with pretty soon though, huh? =)

  • 13. TABI  |  February 25, 2010 at 8:45 pm

    Absolutely I felt detached at times during our surrogacy pregnancy. It’s tough and at times made me quite sad, but soon your twins will be in your arms. I can’t wait!

  • 14. jaymee  |  March 12, 2010 at 9:43 pm

    yeah, that would be about right. you are not alone in this one, but you already knew that.


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