The end of the blog line

I’m all about looking forward, and never looking back.

It’s been my way for as long as I can remember. Once I write an exam, it’s over, I don’t stand outside the classroom going over possible answers with other students.

I simply move on.

This blog is the story of an infertile women expecting twins via surrogacy.

I’m no longer the expectant duck.

I’m just plain ol’ regular duck but with a twist, I now have this new role called mom, and as I navigate my way through this new time, I find myself leaving this blog behind.

And while I leave my blog behind, I will never leave my dear blogging friends behind.

I will still be out here, reading and commenting on all your stories, but, for now, I will no longer be blogging.

I’m sure I will come back again someday, in another realm, once I figure out what my new space should look like.

Thanks for everything, your kind words has helped me get through so much.

Much love,

duck

1 month

I know, they were 1 month old over 10 days ago, but, really, I have no free time to write blogs, talk on the phone or write emails.

So it I’ve dropped off the planet, my appologies, it’s just getting busier not quieter. Monkey and Giraffe are no longer premies and no longer sleeping all the time.

I do get to read blogs, and I apologize for not commenting, I’m still here, still reading, just not commenting.

At the last appointment they both weighed over 8 pounds, and monkey is now heavier than his sister!

Term

Monkey and Giraffe as of today are officially term babies!

And they are getting big, at Dr. Boob’s office they were weighed and Monkey was 6 pounds 13 ounces and Giraffe was 7 pounds 3 ounces! Monkey is catching up to his sister!

In other news, I STILL have not received my record of employment and can’t apply for EI until I do – ye know it’s been a month and they STILL have not “got around” to contacting the payroll provider so times are tight around here and formula is freaking expensive!

Baby crying…. gotta run.

a hard day

Wow. Friday was a rough one.
It all started out with almost no sleep as I had two fussy babies all night long (I’m not complaining -just stating the facts).
Then we went to a breastfeeding clinic based here in Toronto that is world famous to see a doctor that we will refer to as Dr. Boob.
Well Dr. Boob is a bit of an arse, and his staff are breastfeeding lunatics, and I’m putting it mildly.

When Dr. Boob walked into the room we were trying to latch 2 babies at the same time.
Here is some of the interaction with Dr. Boob:
Dr. Boob “Why aren’t you tandem feeding?”
Duck “I’m using a lactation aid to supplement and I was born with only 2 hands so I can’t really supplement?”.
Dr. Boob “Yes but they are getting bottles, and you wouldn’t have to use the lactation aid if you weren’t getting bottles.. and what hopsital were they born at…why didn’t they teach you tandem feeding… why did the NICU staff give them bottles?”.
Duck “I don’t know….”
Dr. Boob “I’m just being funny, I don’t expect you to have the answers”.
Duck “ok”.
Dr. Boob “Seriously you won’t have to use the supplement if you can just get the supply up by dropping the bottles”.
Duck “Actually I’ve induced lactation so, I have to use the lactation aid”.
Dr. Boob “Oh, no one told me that” (stutter stammer).

The appointment was 2.5 hours. Two hours, thirty minutes of me trying to breastfeed with 5 on lookers poking at me and my two little ones in a room that was 37 degrees. No one ever said “good job” or made any nice remarks. No one.

Fun times.

Finally we get away from Dr. Boob’s lactation army and we travel back across the city in rush hour traffic.

We have visitors almost as soon as we arrive home and we decide to take the babies out into the garden which has lots of shade and was cooler then inside.
Me, Mr. Duck, our friends, Monkey and Giraffe all go outside.
We leave a pot of water to boil on the stove as we were sterilizing bottles and it requires us to boil a GIANT pot of water.
Mr. Duck goes back inside to remove the pot from the stove and to turn off the A/C.
But he can’t.
We’ve locked ourselves out of the house.
Two hours, two hundred dollars and one drilled out lock later, we break back into our house.

Let’s hope today is a better day.

Updates!

3 weeks old

• I’ve officially survived one day on my own (Mr. Duck went back to work yesterday) it’s been busy but I LOVE spending time with them, feeding them and watching them grow (they’re both smiling more often) and little monkey is so attached to his sister we have to make sure she’s in the crib fed and ready to sleep before him because he will NOT settle until she’s in there with him.
• As of a week ago almost all documents needed for the declaration of parentage have been signed! We’re just waiting on M’s portion and then a court date can be set! The lawyers think it will be wrapped up quickly which is so exciting as we’re hoping to fly in July to see Mr. Duck’s brother/sister in law/niece who we only get to see once every two years – if we miss this time  it will be another TWO YEARS till we see them again!
• Why is it that everyone only speaks with me now about monkey and giraffe? They are wonderful amazing little people but my brain still works and would love love to use it to talk about grown up stuff, the upcoming G8, world politics, fashion, oil crisis, ye know anything adult like.

ANd a pic – on the left is Monkey and the right is Giraffe:

A Moment to blog

16 Days old

• In-laws were here for one week, so I have not read a blog since (I’m in total withdrawal) and will catch up with everyone in the early hours.
• The in-law visit was a mixed bag, it was nice for them to see the babies, but, exhausting for me as they kept asking if they can feed the babies, resulting in me constantly saying NO NO No, trying to learn how to breastfeed when you have visitors is NOT fun. At. All.
• Have lots to say about being an infertile mother, and how I find it difficult to chat aimlessly about the bowl movements of my children, ye know, they’re interesting but their pooh.. not so much.
• Babies are doing great, getting big, Giraffe (girl) is 6.1 pounds and monkey is 5.8 pounds, and the doctor is happy that they are doing so well.
• The DNA came back and they are officially genetically ours.
• We met with the declaration of parentage lawyers and the papers are signed, the lawyers think that we can have the birth certificates by July (we plan on flying in July).

Our new life

8 days old

I am not sure where this blog is going, if you are reading expecting a blow by blow of what the babies are doing you will be disappointed, while I adore my babies, this blog is about, ye know, me, it’s my space so you will be reading more about me and my take on motherhood and our new life.

HAving the babies home with us is like heaven on earth. Life in the hospital and in the NICU is stressful and exhausting, and we are just so happy to be here, in our nest with our little ducklings.

You may be wondering about breastfeeding and how that is going. Well, some of you have babies who were in nicu will know that when in the nicu bottles and formula seem to be the norm, but since arriving home things are progressing well. I’m using a device and ice called a “lactaid” and it’s essentially a little tube that I insert into their mouth once they are latched on that supplements them. At first I wasn’t sure about it, but, now I quite like the tool, they are getting my milk, my supply is growing (and my boobs) and I know that they are also getting the extra calories from the formula or expressed breast milk from the lactaid. That said, they still do get bottles, right now they feed every 3 hours and one gets to breast feed the other one gets a bottle from Mr. Duck (he’s home with me for 3 weeks!). Our babies are both unique in that they seem to prefer to bf over the bottle and twist and turn their little head when they see that plastic nipple coming at them!

How do I feel? Like a warrior coming home from war. I feel like this has been such a long road, with so many little battles, and so many big battles. We’re  here, we’re exhausted, and we are so very very happy. Every time they cry it makes me happy, I’m grateful that the air is coming into their lungs, that they are here with us, that they are finally home.

Guess who arrived?

Three days old (I think)

My memory is slightly foggy but that is just a side effect of sleep deprivation.

Our perfect little people are here.

On Tuesday at 4am we received a phone call from the very calm husband of the fantastic M saying that the babies “maybe on the way”.

The birth story is long, and I will hopefully write about it in detail but here is the highlights:

They arrived via c-section at 6:05 pm and 6:07 PM, as you know a c was not the plan and M laboured away from 4am to 4pm when c-sectionwas again discussed, if my memory is right, M dilated to 6cm at 8am and then stopped. The doctor (whom I think  made the right recommendation) just said that it’s too risky, because he was still breach (he did turn transverse for a while), and the labour wasn’t progressing.

Baby A came screaming into the world  at 6:05 PM weighing 5 pounds 12 ounces. She gave a nice huge cry as soon as she came out (we think they cleaned her up in the OR and we were outside the OR).

Baby B came out  breach and from what I was told it was hard to get him out (he loved M’s ribs) at 6:07 pm, and they moved him directly into the room where we were. For what felt like an eternity but was only  a few minutes he did not cry, we were told that his heart didn’t stop pumping he just wasn’t breathing yet. The team worked on him, and if you have never had an NICU team work on your baby then let me tell you it was like ER, there was  a nurse yelling at the other staff to move and hurry and alterternately yelling at our little boy to breathe.

It was the worst 2 minutes of my life. Yet I didn’t cry (and still haven’t). All I could think was he has to be fine.

There is no other option.

Apparently his cord had a “true knot” (something they did not know until after the c section) and we were told that doing a vaginal birth would have been very dangerous and stressful on the little guy so we are so so so grateful for M’s willingness to have  a c-section, yet again she proven what kind of a person she is, caring, generous and selfless…

We were so grateful for them to come into the world on tuesday, and so terrified that something would go wrong, it was such an intense day that days later we were visited by M’s original OB (who was there tuesday morning) she told us that she went home and bawled her eyes out because she couldn’t be there when the babies were born (she was at the end of her 24 hour on call shift), she said it was the first time in her career that’s ever happened.

More details on the days that follow their birth in another post.

For now I will leave you with a quote and some pics.

Our neighbour brought this amazing painting to us last night and it says

“For a long time, there were only

footprints & laughter

in our dreams

& even from

such small things,

we knew we could not wait

to love you forever.

(our neighbours get it – they get surrogacy – they get being infertile – they get it).

Little A (giraffe)

Little B (monkey)

three and six

36 weeks 0 days

• The ticker tells me that M has baked the babies now till 36 weeks.
• I’m overwhelmingly happy that they’ve spent such a long time with M, it’s absolutely FANTASTIC.
• And we are SUPER SUPER excited for them to make their arrival! (and we’re still in the thick of name debating).

The baking continues…

35 weeks 4 days 

It looks like the baking shall go on! 

 I had an update from M and she wrote that the NST test today went great and that the babies are doing absolutely fine. This of course is fantastic news, which I take to mean that the babies will continue to bake on. 

 M has another NST scheduled for next Thursday (she’ll also see her OB then as that is the OB who will be reading the test next week). 

 Mr and I don’t have a lot on our plate this weekend except to go see Made in India at Hotdocs. 

 Anyone want to take a guess on when the babies are going to make their appearance? I’m sure M and I are curious to see if anyone guesses the right day…